I’ve been fiddling around on Facebook for an hour, trying to think of something to write. Inspiration is a funny old thing, and what can appear to be a mentally slow day can quickly turn into an onslaught of motivational thought patterns, and eventually, a blog post.
I’ve been pretty overwhelmed recently, which is all my own doing. Last night, after a ten hour day writing, editing, tweeting, Instagramming, promoting, replying to emails and generally being on, I turned my MacBook off. You’d think I’d breathe a sigh of relief, relax and unwind, but I just felt defeated. I felt like I had so much more I wanted to do and that I’d failed in some way.
I physically couldn’t have done anymore yesterday, so what’s with all the unrealistic pressure?
I think I’ve finally found that magic ‘drive’ that everyone’s always talking about. I think this is the first time I’ve truly had it. I never thought I’d say, ‘there are not enough hours in the day’. Usually, I’d like the extra hours so I could lie around watching Buffy re-runs in my dressing gown, but now it’s different.
Now I’m upset that I can’t write a couple more posts, find work as a freelance writer, capture and edit photos, connect with more people and have time to watch Buffy.
Is this pressure healthy? Probably not. Perhaps if I try and find the right balance of hard work and self-care, it could be the healthiest I’ve ever felt emotionally.
Why? because I’ve finally scratched the itch that’s kept me frustrated for so many years.
Definition of rapture
1: an expression or manifestation of ecstasy or passion
noun rap·ture \ ˈrap-chər \
This make-up look was inspired by a feeling of adrenaline and excitement I had after a day spent being creative.
Since I can remember I’ve loved to write, create and have always been a bit of a shy and introverted exhibitionist at heart.
When I was around ten, I’d write and put together my own pop magazines. I’ve loved observing and writing about feelings, people and society as a whole since as young as thirteen. When I went to college I’d write about the wrong’s I saw around me. Eventually, I produced my own punk rock fanzine with an ex-boyfriend. I’ve been interviewing bands since I was 16, always harboring a sincere intrigue in artists and creative people who aren’t afraid of the limelight.
When I studied fashion marketing at university, I focused on fashion writing and incorporated social commentary into my visual projects. I wrote for fashion and mental health websites and I’ve always had my own stash of thoughts inside numerous notepads and on printed out sheets of paper.
I’ve been blogging since 2014, but it’s only now that I’ve been able to see a future and a purpose in it. All of the technical shit that goes along with running a blog, I actually find interesting. I can’t sleep sometimes for thoughts of interview ideas, articles and the future of my blog.
So why has it taken me so long? because self-doubt is a fucking killer.
It kills inspiration, confidence, self-awareness, creative energy, and spirit.
Self-doubt held me captive in a dusty and dark tomb surrounded by all of my insecurities. If I let them, my insecurities talk to me and wickedly tell me I’m not good enough. They whisper into my ear about how no one cares what I’ve got to say, that I’m too sensitive and introverted to put myself out there for all to see.
The ghosts of self-doubt haunt me each and every day, but I try really hard not to listen.
I’ve wasted a lot of my life being scared. I could sit here and say, “Oh, it’s not a waste, it’s made me who I am today” and yeah, that’s true, but it’s also just a massive waste of life.
Now, as a 32-year-old grown woman, I wish to urge you never to give up on your dreams and passions. Listen to your gut, and do what makes you genuinely happy inside. What gets you grinning from ear to ear? What gives you that buzz that only inspired adrenaline can? because whatever it is, that’s whats going to get you through life.
It doesn’t have to be a life-changing, money-making scheme. It can just be a hobby. What fills your heart with warmth?
We spend so much of our lives doing what we ‘have to’ or ‘should do’ that it leaves little time for what we actually ‘want to do’ and I get it, life happens. I don’t have any kids to worry about, outside of my caring duties for my Mum, I’m footloose and fancy-free. I have no idea what it’s like to have little humans running around. But it’s because I’ve never felt as though I’ve given my passions a fair chance, that I haven’t had kids. I don’t want to regret anything or feel even more stressed out than I do now.
My aim is to be a full-time writer, and this blog is an excellent way to document my journey through writing. I love it, I genuinely love it. I didn’t start it for monetary gain, I do it because if I don’t, I don’t feel fulfilled.
I don’t feel driven every day, sometimes I can’t find the point in it all. But I know that’s self-doubt talking.
Self-doubt is a killer, don’t let it kill your passions.
How do you battle thoughts of self-doubt? Let me know in the comments below!
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